Yesterday’s story made reference to the 12 month period in which only men were hitting on me. Consequently, “Miss Lifesource” sparked an epidemic of women asking me out...
It’s long been my dream to live in the fantasy world of equality among the sexes. To many this means equal wages and equal respect. To me, it means women having zero stigma asking guys out on dates and even paying for some of them… (OFFERING to pay and PAYING are two different notions).
So why did I go on so many awful first dates in the last twelve months? Because I fear that if I don’t accept a girl’s invite out to dinner it might wreck a budding social movement. But also, and maybe more importantly, a first date has the highest potential of becoming a random story…
This woman, let’s call her “Lady Luck” asked me out for coffee. Through her brilliance she was able to mutate my response of “Sure, but let me buy you the coffee” into meeting for drinks ("with possible dinner") at a fancy pants microbrewery. (the specific name of the microbrewery was called "Ram" feel free to make you own pun-based joke).
I did my usual pre-date ritual which involves the bloody shaving mishap(s) and going to the ATM. (first dates are always a cash-only operation because you do NOT want to be reminded of the event on a credit card bill).
The following are comments from Lady Luck, paired with my inner monologue response:
All of this occurred in front of a jumbo television showing an NFL playoff game I wasn't watching.
Lady Luck: “I think I parked right next to you… I’m in the Land Rover”
TQ: Even if she is about to embark on a Safari through Illinois Prairie State Parks – owning an SUV is strike one
LL: (said in a shameful tone) “I like country music”
TQ: The tone of voice means she realizes she has poor taste… This paired with the fact she likes country music is an appealed strike two
LL: “My 17 year old brother is six-two-two-ninety and has already offered to beat you up”
TQ: My sister has used a hammer on three continents
LL: “When I went backpacking through
TQ: Ok, I’m gonna save money from not buying food for myself now
LL: “Three years ago my parents bought their dream house, the one they talked about on their first date.”
TQ: We ain’t gonna be talkin’bout dream houses on THIS first date.
LL: “Your sister is seven years older than you? So were you a surprise?”
TQ: (Fuck off – strike three)
I actually responded to that last one out loud, quickly… I said it with perfect pace and precision. What I said was 100rue, “The gap only seems odd because we had a brother that died in between us, before I was born.”
I’m sure that made her feel very awkward, like she just got another ashtray sized blister, but this one was on her soul, and she deserved feeling awkward for making that statement.
There was slight talk before this night that there would be ANOTHER leg to this date to happen AFTER dinner... its why she wanted to meet at . That never happened. And as you can tell I was glad for that part of the night to be over. After the goodbyes, I check my messages to learn of a card night developing four towns away. I call my friend Pedro back and make a beautiful (only to me) Pulp Fiction inside reference, “That’s 35 minutes away; I’ll be there in twenty."
“How'd the date go?” the nine other players asked. "Great, I'm here now." Less than three hours later, WINNING the first tournament the person that came in second place said to me, "Man, that was a great date... too bad I'm married."
I've had so many diffrent kinds of first dates, but this is a new one... Starting the day with the usual bleed and withdraw, to end it on a profit is beyond belief.
I went out with Lady Luck one more time. Not only because first dates are always awful, but also because she indirectly helped me fall into a large payday… However, it wasn’t just a “bad first date” as there was no real spark.