Monday, February 2, 2009

Do you really want to know more? (A near infinite list of random things)

Q: Does 30 revolutions around the sun make you qualified?
A: Nope, but it makes you realize that you were wrong for previously saying such.

A quick statement to those reading on blogspot (away from the ti
me imprisoning facebook) - There is a epidemic sweeping across facebookland - Notes titled "25 Random Things" in which people tag one another in an quasi-chain letter structure that entices tagged individuals to reciprocate. One of these lists outwardly tagged no one - and I wholeheartedly agree with the logic behind that choice.

1. Many people would say that I'm extroverted to the highest level: Openly show my feelings, opinions, life experiences. The smarter of these people realize that this all access pass (that readily gives them access to my experiences dating from the Internet, embarrassing family stories, propensity to talk to strangers) is an elaborate diversionary tactic that blocks them from the ultra inside information that only very few know.

2. I attempt to live by the motto, "It's not whether you win or lose - it's if there's a story to tell afterward."

3. An extremely close friend of mine is no longer reliable. From now on, when I call him I expect to get a voicemail and expect the call to go unreturned. Unreturned like the texts, emails, and facebook messages. Soon I will literally pen a letter to mail. I refuse to give up on this friendship. Nothing pisses me off more than thinking that this friend would rather smoke up than respond to a call. Nothing scares me more than thinking that the unresponsiveness is a function of something worse than his addiction (yes, I'm using that word choice) to pot. 63 people, not all of them I knew, showed up to celebrate my 30th birthday party - and with each new person that walked in I was hoping it was him. I was sincerely hurt that evening by his absence.

4. I was touched by the presence of a friend from high school showing up at my birthday party. Without question, my years in high school were the worst years of my life. I simultaneously want those years wiped from my memory and use them to remind me to live. This friend from high school is the only person from high school that knew me at my worst and stayed friends with me throughout. Telling him so in an e-mail the day after my birthday literally made me cry.

5. I cry a lot. Not just for a guy. For a human. I used to cry fits when the Bulls would lose a single playoff game. I've been reduced to sobs in a movie theater on multiple occasions. However, I also cry a lot when I laugh too much. Sadly, I seem to now cry in situations when I didn't before (i.e. at a wedding two years ago and at a wake last year).

6. I am not professionally motivated by money or accomplishment. Depending on how the day goes, I'm either motivated by an abject fear of being fired or the delight in making other people successful at their job.

7. My current employer has about 300 people at our location. I may kn
ow more than half of them directly, and 85% of the rest work with someone who knows me. Some of them think I'm full of myself - Most of them think well of me - All of them think I am crazy. It doesn't matter which of those three categories they fall in because they are all correct.

8. Generally speaking, I rarely use profanity in my speech. Most of my coworkers have never heard me swear. However, when it comes to playing video games and watching Marquette Basketball: I'll out-cuss you to the end of time.

9. I want every girl who's ever gone on (at least) one date with me to meet each other. At the same time. An actual convention setting. I want them to share stories and experiences. Finally, I want it all videotaped and transcribed for my enjoyment.

10. White Castle is an establishment I can dine at regardless of my sobriety. Yes, they are awful for your health and cause havoc on your "system" but I can put'em down with a smile on my face.

11. Twenty some weeks ago I weighted myself. I weighed exactly one-eighth of one ton. Currently, 30 pounds have been lost - and I consider myself halfway to my ideal weight.

12. Once I was told that I "get off" on rejection. That I purposely ask out girls who will say "no" and only act in ways that will make them end it first. There is not enough evidence for me to find to argue against that stance (but I still don't believe it is the case).

13. Crunchy Peanut Butter is the only real peanut butter. Creamy is for sissies. Most of America prefers creamy (Most of America also voted for G.W.
B. in 2004).

14. I saw The Big Lebowski in the theater when it first came out in 1998 and 24 when it premiered in 2001. (Honorable mention: I also watched the first Puppy Bowl in 2005)

15. I finally watched all the "original" Star Wars films when I was 17 when I worked at Noo
dle Kidoodle. In case you missed that - I once worked at a place named Noodle Kidoodle.

16. My sister never picked on me when we were younger. I believe this to be directly attributed to the fact that I am my sister's second chance at a baby brother. Before me my parents had to bury their son less than a year after his birth - and I also believe that if Kevin had lived, I would have never existed.

17. I have a horrible starting assumption that everyone is male, white, heterosexual and Christian. Give me any first and last name together and this is where they start in my mind. Basically, it's a perverted version of "innocent until proven guilty" - but I'm not implying that there's anything wrong with the alternatives... I just really don't think of it - people have to tell me "oh, he's gay" or "she's not working today because it's Yom Kippur." before I realize that aspect of their life.

18. I have delusions of grandeur on a daily basis. Most days, I seriously think I have the mental toughness to handle fame. Daydreams of foiling a plane hijacking, winning the WSOP, stumbling upon a cure for HIV are just a few examples.

19. I forgot to mention that drinking will loosen the lips as far as profanity is concerned. This is usually how people will hear these words from me for the first time. I drink way less than most, but also way more than my closest friends. One of the founding principles of my "one drink = I don't drive, period" philosophy is because I often don't want to drink - and it's a perfect defense for those that don't understand non-drinking.

20. In 2002 I bought my first car, which I was unable to drive home because it was a stick-shift. Last February I bought my second car, which is also has a manual transmission. I may never buy an automatic again?

21. I really like The Big Lebowski. The previous sentence is a understatement to the largest possible degree.

22. Writing is one of my most enjoyable leisure activities. I took a creative writing class last year that was ebullient - to use a word from the class. However, just because I like writing - doesn't mean I'm any good... More importantly, if my livelihood was dependent on my writing - I'm positive it would stop being fun very quickly.

23. By that same token I love gaming. When I say "gaming" i just don't mean gambling. I love running poker tournaments and other gambling operations (like my NCAA bracket pool). So when people ask me if I'd ever consider a career in the gaming industry or working at a casino - I have a similar response. If I had to run poker tournaments for a living, I think it would stop being fun... Even if I came into a disturbingly large amount of cash - and never had to work again - I don't think I'd want to become a professional poker player (because I'm also not very good).

24. I really like that I can have huge disagreements with close friends. We don't discuss our differences often, but when we do it makes me feel more mature. Which reminds me - I'm very immature.

25. At all times, I have a crush on at least three girls. Sometimes it's more, but you can always bank on at least three. These crushes are of varying degrees of intensity - but more importantly most are not realistic. Allow me to clarify these "unrealistic" crushes: Mainly, these women are undateable for various reasons. It could mean they are currently in a relationship, currently don't live in my geographic area, or other factors I won't list here because I'm fairly confident one of my current, former, or future crushes may read this... Yup, if you're reading this and you are a woman there is a very high chance that at one time you were a target of a TQ harmless schoolboy strength crush.

26. Tomorrow will be my tenth day serving as a Juror in a Cook County Civil Trial. It's one of the most important things I have ever done. Comments like, "why didn't you get out of this" insult me. I was raised to believe in civic duty, and because I have no desire to join the military - I think serving on a jury is on par (and in some cases exceeds) voting as the single most important act of a citizen. I've heard, "Just say you're a racist." which is angers me because
a. I'm not a racist
b. Purposely avoiding jury placement is contempt of court
c. If I'm ever in a situation when I need to have a jury - I hope I get 12 peers who understand the significance of providing this unbelievable right that most in the world do not have.

I'm always surprised when people tell me they read my blogs, or notes, or whatever the new name for "this." And I'll try to hide my secret here: I love comments. I look at some of these notes, that have 5+ comments before I read it and say to myself, "holy crap, look at how many people read [this person]'s note." Besides my sister and three close friends - i doubt anybody reads these, and love to be proven wrong.

28. A neurologist diagnosed me with three specific sleep disorders. I blame none of them for why I have a difficult time sleeping under normal situations. Wanting to know what song is next on shuffle, wanting to know what TV show is on next or reading another article is a more accurate reason. Plainly said: my mind just can't turn off. I'd rather type stupid blogs than stare at the ceiling dreaming of what I would do with the ability to stop time.

29. If I could have one superpower - it wouldn't be to fly or have strength. It'd be the ability to control and manipulate time. Reading people's minds and telekinesis are closely tied for second place.

30. I also feel guilty for how much I love jury duty. Yes, it's not all fun and games - it's mentally draining and the impact I know have on multiple people's futures is staggering - but I'm digging walking to the train station to ride to downtown Chicago to a building with ramped up security makes me feel more important. The guilt comes from the people I've left behind at my place of actual employment. The increased workload my absence has created for others and the general inconvenience of it all... for them.

31. Every time I see the letters l, o, and l typed together I feel like I've lost mental capacity that I'll never reclaim. It also makes me feel icky on a few levels. If you get me laughing, I may frantically type Hs and As or plainly say, "I'm literally laughing out loud."

32. If you get an e-mail from me that includes an emoticon (aka "smiley face") it's an accident or someone made me do it to convey context. I was told that emoticons were encouraged at a major telecommunications company for the specific purpose of detecting tone and seriousness.

33. Despite what I may tell you, I would like to be set up with that friend of yours. I'm gonna hate the stories that may get leaked back to you. Just tell me to surrender to fear.

34. Scared? Scarred? I rarely know which word means which and will rearrange words to use "fear." This is because of #35 in some ways.

35. I spent a lot of time in Speech Therapy. Tons. So much I finally quit - refusing to go back if my parents sent me again. I wasn't cured. The sound of my voice is my least favorite noise. Words containing a "R" still cause me to stumble and I'll try to say synonyms of words to replace words that have an R (especially if the letter is at the end of the word). My vocabulary has been enhanced through this now involuntary speech pattern. I also speak very quickly and string words together:

36. Bjork is the last musical act I want to see live before I die. The list, when it was made, included U2 and Radiohead. A good taste in music is very attractive to me.

37. Halloween doesn't make sense to me. A lot of people absolutely love it, love their costumes, love the candy. An adult in costume seems odd to me... That being said, I wish I could say that I'll never be in a costume again - but I know I'll be convinced or forced to comply again.

38. Some people can dance like no one is watching. Some people like to dance when others are watching. Nothing debilitates my self confidence than the feeling of eyes watching me dance. However, girls can get me to dance. But as much as it breaks my sister's heart - not her. I'm an absolute wreck at weddings, when people start dancing. I sweat bullets and pray I don't have to hurt someone's feelings by turning down a dance. Alcohol does cut through this. Whatever that inhibition is that is freed by booze can get me to dance - but only if I get "way in the bag" so to speak - to a level I rarely descend.

39. Sometimes, I want to experience a heroin high. I know it can wreck my life - and that I'll never be stupid enough to try... But for people to literally throw their entire life away for that elation - it makes me suspect how good that feeling must be (even if it is ju
st short term). Yes, I've got my R-rated vices, and that's probably all I'd be able to handle.

40. I don't get into physical fights. But if it's going to happen - it won't be in a bar. It's going to be in a movie theater - and it's going to be started from someone else's cell phone or endless talking. Nothing gets me more to the point of resorting to physcial violence like poor movie ettiquite. Although this may make you laugh, I'm dead serious.

41. I love my parents. (that's all I really want to say, or feel like I need to say)

42. When I play basketball, more of my made shots are shot left handed. This isn't because I've gotten good at using my off hand - it's because I've gotten
progressivley worse at shooting longer distances.

43. A dream of mine is to be nominated for an Academy Award. Not because I want to win, but because I think I could get a date with ANYONE with the line, "I was nominated for an Oscar, I have two tickets - what are you doing in a couple Sundays?"

43. If I happen to win an Oscar, this will be my acceptance speech. "I would like to thank everybody who has ever heard me complain, but I want to dedicate this to all of th
ose that listened."

44. One of my favorite words in the english language is the contraction "y'all." It's a
beautiful word that is all encompassing yet species neutral. I love to use it in e-mails. It's the greatest thing The South has ever given the world. Not to demote their other contributions - I just feel that strongly.

45. Serena Williams is an attractive woman. I get a lot of opposition to this statement. I guess nobody finds winning sexy? And no, I'm not attracted to her because I think she can beat the holy hell out of me in a fight. I understand that she may be more "muscular" that most... men... but I like watching her grunt her way to Grand Slam titles.

47. I take pride in the movies on my NetFlix queue and songs in my iPod playlists. I wish I could make movie queue lists for people the same way I make mixtapes.

48. At least twice a week I check Craigslists' Missed Connections because I want to be the subject of a posting. Especailly when I go into the City, I want to make sure I didn't "miss" my missed connection. My eyes are always on a swivel and I try to remember as much details as I could so I could reply, "yeah, I remember you - weren't you wearing a red and blue scarf?"

49. Please stop calling your boots, "My hooker boots." You need to show me a pair of "non-hooker boots" before you can make that distinction. What's that? All your boots are hooker boots? Yeah. I know.

50. I need to stop writing this now because I don't see any end to my mindless rambles.


  1. i totally agree about the cruncy PB. It really is the best.

  2. AND since you love comments I will leave another, I never noticed your R problem...ever.