Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Asterisks Revealed

The highlight of my day today was contained in an e-mail from "pAuL" who expressed a small amount of contempt at this blog's cliffhanger:

Previously on View de TQ
I've had multiple* conversations - just the two of us - with head coach Tom Crean
I have lived next door to two basketball players**
They've been in a freshman year Theology class with me
In my friend's Spanish class
A future Sports Illustrated Man of the Year was involved in a friend's broadcasting project.
I worked in the Old Gym***

And now, as Paul Harvey would say, the rest of the story:
(Since the first and third asterisked references are best revealed in conjunction with each other - I'll post a blog tomorrow revealing those resolutions... Besides, this story deserves a post of its own)

I lived in Humphrey Hall during my junior year at Marquette University. A few characteristics set that building aside from others
-It used to be a children's hospital
-Stupid people believed it was haunted
-It was "apartments" but had a few of the perks of a dorm (net access) and a few of it's downfalls (guest check-in)
-It was also the home for most of Marquette's Basketball team
(note: Because Dwyane Wade was married with a kid during his stint at MU, he didn't live in Humphrey - he lived on his own just off campus)

My roommate Bill and I lived in between two sets of basketball players. To the north was a pair of freshman girls. They were nice whenever I talked to them, but provided nothing notable in the realm of future blog posting material. To the south were two from the Men's team. For the sake of not wanting this to appear in any google searches (I think it is highly probably that both would google themselves looking for past news stories of basketball past), I will refer to them as "Bjorn Von Stockholm" and "Jerry Jabronie."

Anybody familiar with the MU roster during the time of my enrollment there should easily figure out who the two above pseudonyms represent.

Bjorn was one of the nicest persons I have ever met. I do not have one bad word to say about him. I only wish that the chasm between Male Scholarship Basketball Players and "normal paying students" wasn't as wide - I would've liked to have hung out with him and had conversations et al.

Jerry Jabronie is what this tale is all about. He was white. He was short. He was slow. He rarely dribbled with his left hand. Basically, he was a great representation of what the pre-Tom Crean era became before the arrival of our current head coach.

On the night of this story, I was lying in bed attempting to fall asleep. (I spent a very large portion of my college night life ATTEMPTING to fall asleep). I don't know what time, but it wasn't too late in the evening for my roommate wasn't back yet. I began to hear noises through the wall. On the other side of our bedroom wall was Jerry Jabronie's bedroom.

The noises were of a blunt object hitting the wall and intermittent, for lack of a better term, "amorous audio." I quickly deduced that the blunt object was Jabronie's headboard and the other noise was his girlfriend.

The next few minutes was the sonic equivalent to witnessing an automobile crash. Along with all the curiosity and horror of an innocent bystander.

Having friends living across from the freshman dorm, boasting that the witnessed drunken bathroom sex, I now had a story of my own.

As soon as my roommate returned, and walked into the bedroom - i couldn't wait to tell him what he missed. The following was said in the loudest whisper I could muster, but in a very singsongy melody.

"You just miss-ed Jer-ry-Ja-BRO-nie ha-ving se-eh-ex!"
Bill was saddened. And upset. But also laughing. Man, if I had missed that - I would have felt the same way.

The only thing I heard from that room since was an evident break-up fight between the two. I know this because she yelled, "I thought we were making love!" I can only guess what caused the two to part ways. Maybe she wanted a boyfriend who could use both hands.

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