Alright boys, gather around...
Sheets, you're throwing against the Dodgers at home tomorrow. They don't have Furcal in their lineup, so hopefully you can get back to your Gold Medal form quickly. Reports say you're feeling a lot healthier now... Prove'em RIGHT kiddo... You're my ace, act like it.
Okay Lackey, you're taking the mound at home versus the Rangers. They got a lot of pop in their lineup, be careful. I'm not sure why the Angels named you their Opening Day starter, or why the mags had you so high, so I'm putting a lot of unfounded faith in you. I'll tolerate hits, but not walks.
C.C., you're my GANGSTA! I was real happy to draft you. That line drive off your forearm last week made me sweat, but I'm happy to know you'll be pitching tomorrow across town in Chicago tomorrow. Many people, including me, have you as a dark horse for the Cy Young. Looking forward to having you on my club this year.
Danny Haren, my fourth opening day starter, who's pitching in Seattle. That's a good ball park for pitchers, so I'm feeling good about your start. Congratulations on beating out my former prodigy Rich Harden for the Oakland Ace award. Keep'em off the bases and you'll keep'em off the plate... I know that's easier said than done with Ichiro, but throw a couple change-ups to Beltre and Sexton and watch'em spin into the ground.
OKAY STAFF, THAT'S IT... Usually I build around the bats - but that wasn't as easy to come by this year... This time I need you all to have career years. I'm placing the entire fate of my season on your arms. Can you handle it? Tomorrow is Opening Day across the MLB. Let's get off on a good foot - throw a first pitch strike.