Wednesday, December 31, 2008

How can you add more white trash to your truck?

Q: Would you like to proclaim to the world the worst part of your body to all?
A: Maybe if you also own a truck.

Allow me to list the multiple levels that I am offended at the existence of "truck balls," which I saw again this afternoon on the truck stopped ahead of me at the stoplight:

As a car owner-
I was raised by a man who did not believe in car accessorizing. It probably stemmed from his years driving a company car from DuPont across the vast nothingness of Minnesota and North Dakota selling paint. For example, you will never see a political bumper sticker on his car (half because he doesn't believe in that / half because his wife would storm out to remove it herself).

There are four small pieces I've added to my car: A Marquette Alumni license plate holder, the "MU" sports logo, an "Abide" Lebowski sticker, and a World Poker Tour air freshener. All are relatively small and tastefully adorned.

Hanging a pair of testicles, that are neither small or tasteful, does not allign with my rules of car customization. I don't care which model you choose (i.e. Steel, Brass, Titanium, Blue, Flesh-colored, Hairy or right-leaning). I'm not the police of car care, but I'd really like to know the motive behind this purchase... Is it just a simple low brow joke?

As a human living in society-
"Hey Mommy, what's that?"
"Oh Jocelyn, those are an anatomical representation of a human scrotum, jokingly hung from a trailer hitch... Nothing to worry about dear, go back to reading Dora the Explorer"

Well Jocelyn should be worried. She just uncovered a mystery that Dora was going to spare her from for quite a number of years.

As a male-
Does making something male make it better? Of course not. It's that chauvinist sentiment prevalent in the world today that makes that girl (who I shouldn't be buying a drink for anyways, but that's another story) think my gesture is not so much one of a gentleman but one of a Imperialistic Sonnafabitch.

Should I be the first to the market on this product idea:
Giant, magnetic, fallopian tubes with ovaries that span the entire front bumper of a car.

People place decals of the Confederate Flag to show support for "the south" (to use the least offensive choice of words possible) - what does this sack represent? "I support sperm producing anatomy?"

As a available single guy who's looking-
Can we not advertise the existence of balls? Without a doubt, "balls" are the most unattractive element to the sense of vision on the human body. No wonder their first action is to descend from the body - trying to leave the body. I don't think I've ever heard a woman (or a gay man for that matter) make a comment about balls in a positive light. You'll get comments about a cute ass, and you might even get a horny drunk sorority girl-type mention someone's "dick, rod... or johnson" (Lebowski quote) in a disgustingly lusty desire - but you won't hear any of the following comments:

"Oh, I bet Mr. Lipton there's got a nice tea bag offering."
"Stacy, I love that this hot weather brings out the short-shorts - especially in a place with these high bar stools that really give us a great sight - can't wait to take that trip to testicle town."

Please accept my apologies if my language is vulgar or my hypothetical woman dialogue is offensively off base.

You don't see a some girly coupe car with a tramp stamp, do you? Actually, those probably do exist... But there are many people who support trampstampery. I don't think anybody is for a more Public Displays of Balls.


Write to your Congressperson, or very least - corrupt Governor - asking that if they make laws to make Motorcycle riders cover their heads, that truck drivers need to hitch up their shorts. Cars are for highways, not low balls.

(If you saw one of these in a mall parking lot, how could you not kick these? I'm sure it'll hurt but it's gotta be a gratifying feeling.)

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