Sunday, January 11, 2009

How do women date on the Internet?

Q: Can you explain the concept of "volume dating" in one sentence?
A: A woman w
ill look at 100 profiles online, wink at 50, e-mail 25, write a second time to 15, call 7 of them, be bought dinner by 5 of them, accept a second date from 3 of them and bang one on the 3rd date.

This is a large, wide sweeping, generality.
In no way does this apply to all women who date on the Internet.
Especially if you are a woman reading this, I'm sure it doesn't apply to you.
Specifically, if you are a woman who has dated me (ever) it doesn't apply to you.
Of course, this is just as easily applicable to men dating on the Internet.
Those that know me, understand it doesn't apply to yours truly.

But here's the point: This is acceptable practice for women. Even encouraged.
This practice, although may be bragged about in the locker rooms of Theo Huxtable, is frequently used in the justified chauvinistic assault of men by women.

I would like to share with you excepts, and my afterthoughts, from a conversation with a friend of mine during a recent late night drive through snow in Chicago.

Readers should know that I invested in the Internet Dating economy. In 2005 I made a New Year's Resolution to "get out there and date." It made sense at the time. Up until that point, I was vastly inexperienced in the realm of courtship. And as may be apparent from my word choice: still am. Although it's true that young kids today don't really date anymore (just "hang out" or "hook up"), that's not really an excuse I can use to justify my pre-2005 dating famine. Basically, I was nervous, shy, and lacked the self confidence to ask a girl I was interested out - let alone actually have a date.

So I jumped into the Internet Dating scene. I was rather ashamed of it at the time - but I think most stigma associated with online dating has evaporated. I signed up on Match and the next thing I know I was out there and dating. Judging by the large number of dates I went on - my resolution was a success. Conversely, based on that same large number, my 2006 resolution was to go on less dates.

I learned a very important lesson about myself: I am not coordinated enough to date multiple women simultaneously. Another lesson of similar value learned was: most women are, and are able to hide the fact alarmingly well.

Although I joke about not being able to know which joke I told which girl, the root in my belief is that if I like someone enough to date them - I will date them. If there is someone else I want to date - I would date them instead. And I feel the same way on the other side. I really don't want to date a girl dating other guys because there must be something obviously lacking in our "relationship (for lack of a better term)" causing them to look elsewhere. Which is fine, let's not waste time I guess.

Okay, let's go back to this carride conversation: It started when my friend told me his comment to me a month back about "stopping dating for a while" was an empty promise and that he was back in the game. He mentioned, "You know that '3 day rule' about how if you like someone - you gotta call them back three or so days after the date? Well, it's more like 7 days now."

Let the record show I hate this '# day rule' and do not subscribe to the theory.

My friend supported his theory that the extra days are now in place to allow for girls to have their dates with other guys and have a better relative evaluation of you before another step, if any, is taken. I quickly responded with my viewpoint laid out earlier in this post - about me dating one girl at one time.

He retorted, "You can't put all your eggs in one basket."
I quickly shot back, "I just think my basket is not that big - it can only hold one egg at a time."

Hours later, as my insominatic self analyzed the relative size of girls' eggs and my basket (yes, now that I've written that I realize how odd it appears - but I'm keeping it in here) I came to an important realization. My friend has made a wrong assumption: I am not a basket for which eggs are to be placed for I am the egg.

I'm a freakin' egg in a large basket of other single guys trying to get (or stay maybe?) in that girl's basket. When I try to date two girls at once - to extend this metaphor as far as it will go - a girl will either see an empty shell of myself or a sloppy sticky mess. Both states, mind you, are not me at my most attractive.

(at this time, please take a moment for you to envision your own metaphor extension involving me getting scrambled, hard boiled, or some other egg specialty which may make you laugh)

I told my friend that he's gotta take four months off the scene. That he'll be better for it. Long stretches of not trying to date anybody are wonderful. A suggestion was to take the time now to research the upcoming baseball season. My theory is that a successful fantasy baseball draft will yield a higher quality of life in the short term than trying to date all these women from the Internet. Take some time off, think about Cleveland's batting order, and date again after the first pitch in April.

"Sorry girl, you're very good looking - but not as hot as Grady Sizemore."

This suggestion is based in a critical assumption.
We both agree that if we could just flat out ignore these girls we like, maybe even treat them badly (knowing we really can't) that they'll start wanting us. Chicks dig jerks.

Understanding my female friends are not "chicks" thus they will know I'm not referring to them - because they certainly don't like jerks.

Is this just a bunch of sour grapes? Yes.
A load of single guy angst worthy of it's own show on the WB? Yes.
Will writing this prove anything? Nope.
Do I expect to have the woman of my dreams reveal herself? Absolutely not.

Multiple people, recently, have told me I should try online dating. These people didn't know I've tried it already. Maybe they are right, and I just don't know it. Knowing what I know now - it would be a different experience. I have not ruled out going back to online dating - even to a site such as eHarmony which is set up - in my opinion - to get people down the aisle. (those who get rejected from eHarmony are those that haven't yet bought an engagement ring on consignment) I've called it "End Game Dating."

It's a stupid joke, showing my immaturity. Dating should be for marriage, right? One of the people who suggested I try online dating flat out said, "Are you looking for Ms. Right or Ms. Right Now?" It's an important question. An answer I don't think I have a confident answer (which may be a more telling response than the choices presented).

As it stands right now - this minute - I don't want either Ms. Right or Ms. Right Now. I'm not sure if I want a wife. And if I don't want a wife, I shouldn't be wasting the time of Ms. Right Now either. Currently I live by myself. I'm able to drive to Indiana with a friend and not come home until 6:30 am or fly by myself to Vegas if I want. If I have extra work at my job, I just stay late and get it done (not missing dinner, angering others, or screwing up previously agreed schedules). My life is experiencing record levels of selfishness. Not the best state of mind to enter a relationship.

Another guy, a very close friend of mine, might disagree with that last statement. He has joked that there is nothing more selfish than being in a relationship. (Do I need to say that he's also single?)

1 comment:

  1. And let's not forget how fast we get into the need for a government-sponsored bailout by dating too many at once: this multi-person dating becomes an expensive endeavor. I blew at least $150 bucks in 5 days in a 3 girl date binge. Daayaamnnn Gotta cut that out. I started to develop some sad strategies so I wouldn't make any fatal mistakes on these dates, such as rehearsing the girl's name before meeting up, greeting her by her name, and then not saying her name again throughout the date so I wouldn't call her by some other girl's name. Completely successful. The problem that developed was keeping each girl's back-story straight about where they came from, likes/dislikes/family...all their stories meshed into one and I really stopped caring. Which could be a good or bad thing, I suppose.