Thursday, July 16, 2009

Why didn't the women who burned their bras break off their heels?

Q: How high are those heels?
A: Too much... it's all too much.

It's late, I'm tired, but something's on my mind
Not gonna take the time to punch in hyperlinks for footnotes
No pictures
Reduced punctuation

Just want to take a moment and talk about high heels
The shoes
The kind ladies wear
The attention-grabbing-look-at-me-shiny-ass versions

Earlier tonight I was at a charity poker tournament
The charity is a travesty, and won't give them even the courtesy of a link
They try to convince you they help the environment
They don't tell you it's from flowers near an off-ramp's photosynthesis

This particular charity is crawling with women looking to bag a rich man
As I type this, most are with a recently met d-bag
or rather, performing some other sort of bag emptying activity

Charity poker functions will normally have their fair share of women
Looking for men who have a cause
Men that have the discretionary income to have causes
Functions that will provide them ample access to alcohol

But tonight there are always more than you bargain for at this yearly event
Volunteering at the tournament earns them a free ticket to their gala ball
A ball that is formal
Prom for those past their Prom Prime

Back to the heels
They were out in full force
Cue that Amy Winehouse song titled so well
I look, yes, I notice, sure

The reasons have been well documented
I'm the only person that has to be told these points
Nobody else probably cares
Everybody loves a woman in heels

Increasing one's height creates a thinning illusion
Stress physics result in an pronounced derriere
Convey a sense of fashion, class, poise, elegance
One who wears heels cares about their appearance

But then you see heels being worn at a rock concert
And you see heels worn with bikinis
Heels that worn on weekend afternoons at a mall that requires walking
(example that in my opinion may be crossing the line to detail here)

A former co-worker once told me she was more comfortable in heels
Don't get it
Comfortable shoes is one of our basic freedoms
One day I hope to be married in non rented shoes

Oh, and there are some major high end versions
Makes me wonder if those are insured
Or needing a down payment to acquire
My 1993 Air Jordan sticker shock would be ashamed

I can't help but remember this girl from Lakeview
Facebook suggested I'd add her as a friend
They don't realize I turned down a 4th date over IM
She's probably was not happy with me

But I remember her for crazy high heels she wore on date one
On a later date she confessed how uncomfortable and awkward she was
Still being nice at this point, I didn't tell her I noticed
Her being on the taller side, she wanted to make sure

That I was as tall as advertised
Men tend to lie about height
Dating veterans know it's the male measurement most embellished
Women most often lie about... I wish I knew

Final point, they're noisy

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