Sunday, September 12, 2010

How should you act with the "rarest of roses?"

Q: Did you know there was a special episode of Jersey Shore tonight before the VMAs?
A: Hopefully you caught it, because "special" referred more to its quality than it's time slot.

After I saw the season premiere of Jersey Shore's 2nd season I ran over to blog about it.
That episode was a homerun. It had a huge expectation to meet and exceeded it. The second episode was also very well done, but I am thankful that I did not start a weekly blog about it. The third episode was disappointing, and my friends and I had even begun to discuss our stamina for this gang. It's clear that that we are just at the beginning of this. It's all but assured we'll be seeing edited episodes air during WGN rain delays in just over five years.

They had a return to form in the last few epochs. Angelina being bitchy - Snooki making a stand - infighting! But tonight was remarkable. In ways I didn't think the show could.

I really want to take a large, healthy, bite out of this most recent - Sunday Night Special - piece.

Previously on the -Shore:
Vinny hooks up with Angelina! In a scene that is more lude than actually showing insertion - MTV showed a quick "hookup pause" to allow Vinny to extract a condom (which we are constantly made aware are quite large*) to "smush."

The wakeup phone call is courtesy of Vinny's Mom! Of course it's Angelina who answers it. Vinny's Mom is quite easily the single greatest person we have met through the Jersey Shore web of people; we all hope she's never seen an episode. The Mom wants to know who she's talking to and even continues into the mandatory small talk we've all participated in with the Moms of others. Although, I would assume, we've never had a hookup partner had to comply so quickly post coitus.

*Snooki's comment of "loosy goosey" as a description to Angelina's 'lady parts' was lude on more fronts than I can detail.

The Situation has been exposed this season for what he is in his own mind. Last season he was somewhat of a joke - constantly talking up his "game" but never yielding. Now we almost wish he was back to his lovable loser mentality (or even better - happy for humanity that he wasn't scoring). But this season he has been banging - NFL All-Pro level bangin' - and we have to endure his success so to speak. Say what you will about The Situation, he broke down the Angelina / Vinny hookup as poetically as possible. He asserts that, by Angelina not "letting Jose hit that," the ancient credo of NICE GUYS FINISH LAST is true.

[A quick note to my female readers: If you read this blog, you are not a Jersey Shore skank. You are a beautiful moral-rich individual who values people who treat others with respect]

Enter the family of Vinny. Once again we are reminded of the beauty that is the Vinny's
Mother. But this season we are introduced to another of "Clan Vinny:" A cataclysmic attack on all what Italian-Americans fight to overcome manifested in Uncle Nino. I'm thankful that MTV decided to show Ronnie's "creepy" sidebar comment to further illustrate just how insanely bizarre he made everything. To be honest, when he left - I couldn't believe the episode wasn't done... I was drained from viewing the monstrosity. (drained, but smiling ear to ear)

The second half of the episode is what made the episode go from Great to Magnificent:

More reason to hate Angelina: preying on our culture's love of the term "hookup" and it's implied vagueness. Only when painted into a corner by The Situation does she confess her sin to Nice Guy Jose. I liked Jose until this point. Regardless if he wants to believe it was "just kissing" he needs to get his Fossil Watch back and walk into the sunset.

The scenes of a stupid baseball cap wearing Vinny fist-pump dancing in the foreground to the Angelia/Jose confession brought in the biggest laugh of the season!

Part of the mid second season slump of Jersey Shore was the constant attempt to create new acronyms and t-shirt worthy sayings. Although "T-Shirt Time" (and the newly learned, from another, "high heel time" counterpart) is actually a valid and smart term, sayings such as "IFF" just seemed forced. Tonight we saw the true meaning of "DTF" (which means "Down to [have fun]"). I'm sorry women of the world, but the DTF distinction is being proven from your kind most wanting to "get it in" to use the syntax of Snooki. Pauly D's ability to draw in a booty call at post sunrise is beyond my comprehension. The fact she performed while another Situation spectator was eating an egg sandwich makes me consider leaving our society.

Pauly D and Vinny have been banging big so far on South Beach, so I believe them when they say they they found people they like enough to take out on a date. The dual phone calls was such a wonderful thing to witness. I'm not embarrassed to admit I literally did a Tiger Woods quality (pun NOT intended) fist pump when he hung up the phone after getting a date with his interest. He's a young kid, and his awkwardness was endearing. Pauly D on the other hand, the oldest of that crew, is a G-D-Pro and his corny as hell ice breaking joke got us all to laugh. None of us doubted his ability to cultivate that Cuban.

And those two were so ecstatic! They bought new clothes, got fresh haircuts, and BOUGHT FLOWERS! Oh god, let me tell you about the Flowers-On-A-First-Date play: I've retired from it. The flowers signify more the guy's excitement on the date than anything else. I've only tried it three times. The first time was because I had a first date on the first day of Spring. A coworker had told me of this calendar-specific note and it prompted me to do it. One could say it eventually didn't work out, but since I'm 95% positive the recipient of those flowers is reading this post, and that we are friends today, is why I was glad I did it (even though she probably won't know I'm talking about her). The second time I bought flowers, I never gave them to her... instead I gave them to another platonic friend as a "white flag" of the date going awful. The third time, and the last time, I bought flowers on the first date I ended up giving them to the undeserving lady only because I didn't want to admit defeat by throwing the flowers away.

I'm not sure if many other people picked up on this: but Vinny's girl was working at a bar when he met her. Those girls literally have a financial stake (tips) in being overtly friendly to customers. Once again Vinny is young. And again I'm reminded that I too used to tip just a little bit more to those smiling servers (much to the chagrin of my friends). I've since learned my lesson, and hopefully Vinny has now too. Her phone call to cancel was painful for all involved. I'm sure she didn't have fun knocking him down, but I appreciate her not flat out standing him up and telling him she wouldn't go.

Vinny's quick hangup was brilliant! Don't say something you'll regret. Take the high road, take the loss, go to your corner and let the cut man stitch you up. What a sincerely nice moment to see Ronnie (the proven PLAYER of the house) be the one to console Vinny even if he didn't want any of it.

[side note: It's fitting that Ronnie is the most accepting of Angelina's recent Skanktastic Motives, for he has inexplicably come out of the "Motorboating Grenade Fest" incident without a scar!]

It was just a quick cut to Angelina after Vinny hung up, but I saw her laugh. I could not have loathed her more at that moment. Girls will continue to toy with boys, and every hurt does in fact hurt us all! Angelina, if you would have laughed at me like that I would have found my most "Snooki-eque" friend and had them nail you into submission... That made me very, no- UBER, upset.

But Vinny tried to call her back. We heard him unsuccessfully connect and not leaving a voicemail message. Maybe it was clear instantly to the female viewers (and the more seasoned of the rejected males), but Vinnny's girl clearly only took that repeated call to talk him off the ledge and to prevent more calls. Sadly, I'm not one of those seasoned men yet - and I rejoiced in Vinny's elation as we thought his date was back in business. Sadly, we soon realized it was just a show. Vinnny, you can't pick up a server.

[side note: A very close friend of mine has recently pulled off this amazing move. His current girlfriend is actually "that hot bartender" that he met while going to his favorite spot last year. Then again, this same close friend is an amazing person - one of a handful of people I would literally take a bullet for and know if anybody could do it - he could]

Finally, if Pauly D and Vinny really liked these "rarest of roses" why the hell are they trying a 80s sitcom double date? I've never been on a double-date. I don't want to. There are only two friends I'd trust to go out on a double date with... In both cases, in true George Costanza form, I'd feel horribly outmatched for these two friends of mine are both smarter and wittier than I am. I'd constantly feel as if 'my date' would soon request an upgrade.

My Lord, I love you Jersey Shore - don't you ever change.


  1. I love the reference to the WGN rain delays. I don't think they play This Week in Baseball (I'll always here Mel Allen's voice saying that as I write it) anymore, which is a shame. Or Hercules the Legendary Journeys.

  2. The Uncle Nino sequence was the highlight of the season so far, including the varying but still accurate impressions by the roommates.

  3. Dewd, it's spelled "lewd".

  4. Thanks for the spell check... I feel rather dumb for only learning that now.