Friday, January 7, 2011

What is the most damning four letter word spoken on the Jersey Shore?

Deena: new cast member for season three
Thursday was a long, rough, day at work.  But as I was about to leave another coworker, who was also there later than usual, reminded me (by a few silent although while grinning fist pumps) that I had the 3rd Season Premiere of Jersey Shore waiting for me at home as my reward.

I ended up taking one of my classic accidental / involuntary naps somewhere around 8 pm and woke up at 3 am realizing returning to sleep wasn't an option.  Of course that meant a little late night Jersey Shore DVR action.  Here are my notes on the Season Premiere, which I don't think was as great as it's Season 2 Premiere:

  • Snooki's shortness & bustiness make her boobs honk her BMW 3 series at every breath.  She is nearly kissing the windshield.
  • Everyone loves the duck phone, and I do too, but I get a better kick out of the somewhat hidden Scarface mural (not the poster, the mural).
  • Can't we all just get along? J-Woww & Sam? Don't start out like this, not like this.
  • That sweet Mercedes is... Vinny's?! Whoa.
  • Really noticing the rides: Snooki & Ronnie have BMWs, Vinny the elite Mercedes, but look at Pauly D trading in the Escalade for the surprisingly understated Caddy (I guess when you tattoo Cadillac down your body you can't be behind the wheel of a Lexus).
  • Snooki calling Sam a Valley Girl must be a special kind of insult a Guidette can throw out. Ronnie calling Deena a Gremlin look-a-like is an equally dated reference, but not as funny to me. (On second thought, is Ronnie even old enough to have seen the movie?)
  • And now we have the traditional sex toy introductions... I see you've met Elmo, is there a Rabbit in the house?
  • Auto update: The Situation stays douchey with the Range Rover (not unlike his fictional TV dick counterpart)
  • The producers must have intentionally held The Situation back and given Sam & Ronnie the head start in getting to the house.  It would make too much sense for an "MVP" room and for the only room with two beds to be roomed by the only couple.  I don't think we will see The Situation eating an egg sandwich on his bed while watching a hook up (one of the highlights from their season in Miami).
  • Someone came prepared with talking points: "Single & ready to mingle" "A walking Holiday" "Blast in a Glass" (space'em out Deena. Let'em breathe and don't fire them all out at once like you just did)
  • The Situation Monologues, "If Deena was a holiday she'd definitely be Thanksgiving because she's got a lot to give and she's down for a lot of stuffing"
  • Sam says she can't deal with meatballs? Hello, why are you here? (oh yeah, that's why)
  • Deena was first introduced to those of us who saw the Snooki drop on NYE. When my friend heard that she was brought in by Snooki, he wondered why it wasn't Ryder (a guest last season). Answer: she was SBV ( "Smushed By Vinny")\
  • How to make an awkward silence more awkward? Have it in a hot tub.
  • Leader in the clubhouse with best line, "Stick it in a jet hole and go to bed" (J-Woww to Vinny)
  • "I can help you find your hat." (something I hope doesn't become a joke pick up line)
  • "You just hit an in the house home run" (that's my favorite line. That won't be topped)
  • "Why don't you go put some pajamas on, that's a good situation." (Bronze Medal, no Jersey Tan pun intended: I mean it's the 3rd best line of the night)
  • I'm not all that happy with Sam's actions and attitude this far, but I'm on her side when she laughs at Deena. Look, if you're gonna act funny you're gonna get laughs. Deena did do something to her: act like a drunk clown in front of her.  Deena, meet Joe Pesci.
  • "You are going for Rookie of the Year Award" (that's the Silver Medal in Situation lines tonight)
  • ONE SHOT! COME AT ME BRO! The Ronnie Awakens. Nobody ever wins when that explodes.
  • Deena is just digging herself a bigger hole. (Again, no Jersey Slut pun intended)  For Ronnie to invoke the godforsaken banished roommate Angelina speaks volumes.  She does not realize the poor logic of loudly yelling about Sam while she is upstairs before criticizing Ronnie "fighting her fights" for her.  If anything, Ronnie is fighting his own fight - he's clearly lost patience with the new roomie.
  • "I will attack you like a squirrel monkey." (here's the proper quote Snook)
  • A lot of nasty four letter words were used tonight... But the word that seems the most hurtful and powerful in the house is "fake."
Finally, the fighting has got to stop. I really hope it does because I have no interest in watching each episode end with women taking off their earrings as the credits begin.  This show, at it's best, works as a flawed family with insane interpersonal relationships.  The fighting makes the show look more like an outdated Jerry Springer.  The clips MTV showed of the season to come were focusing mainly on the breakdown of their family relationship and the destructive drunkenness of Snooki.  This w probably be the final season of Jersey Shore, and I fear, it's worst.

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