Sunday, June 14, 2009

Why is watching Hitch DANGEROUS?

Q: What will watching Hitch on a lazy Saturday afternoon get you on a Saturday evening?
A: A little bit of courage, but a ton of rejection.

I want to tell you what happened at the Park West tonight just before Phoenix took the stage...

Jeff and I got into the venue relatively early, easily a half hour before the show began.
It didn't take long to notice an attractive young woman by herself not too far from us.
She was perpetually texting and looking around.
I pointed her out to Jeff, who made the joke, "Maybe you should go give her some company?"
But I already was conjuring up a plan.
If she was still by herself by the time the opening act (Amazing Baby) was through, I'm was going to go over there.

The set ended, and she was still alone.
I asked Jeff if he wanted another beer, and left to walk in the attractive woman's direction.
While almost to her, we made eye contact and I said a quick "hello."
She replied with a half smile, which by this time I was about a half step past her.
And I instantly stopped and turned just a little over 90 degrees and began a conversation:

TQ: Are you here by yourself?
Attractive Woman: Yes.
TQ: I've seen you here for over an hour, was wondering if someone was making you wait or not
AW: Nope, I'm here by myself.
TQ: That's funny, I almost came here by myself too. (NOTE: THIS IS A TRUE STATEMENT)
AW: Yeah, I'm a Phoenix freak.
TQ: Me too, I knew I had to buy tickets the day they went on sale because - after that SNL spot - I was certain this was gonna sell out.
AW: It's crazy how they got so big so fast.
TQ: I was looking online and saw they were going for, like, $70.
AQ: Oh no, it's over a hundred now - I sold my other ticket for $120.
TQ: Well, I just couldn't sell it and go it alone - I brought a friend from work... By they way, do you want to stay here by yourself? You can join us (pointing) over there - it's a better view of the stage.
AW: Do you have seats?
TQ: Yeah, we're on the stools, but you can have mine because I'm gonna stand during the show...
AW: Well, I'm gonna go up and start dancing when the show starts anyways.
TQ: I'm about to get a drink - do you want something?
AW: (hesitant) Uh, you can buy me a drink but I don't want to get a drink from you.
TQ: Oh (realizing what she's implying) yeah... Uh, you want to go get a drink then?

-This is when the couple sitting to her left interrupts us-
The 40+ year old man asks Attractive Woman if she will hold their seats when they go to the bathroom if they buy her a drink. The woman of the pair then motions for ME to get the server's attention. By the time I get the server's attention - get my order of Sprite in along with Jeff's beer Attractive Woman is now conversing with the woman. I interrupt to ask Attractive Woman's name - who stalls before responding to me with "Stacy." A name I am not confident is her actual name. Before I know it the man gets his drink orders, along with the Attractive Woman's order, to the server.

I'm now feeling completely emaciated and exposed... drenched in failure and feel every eye in my immediate area around me. "Stacy" has accepted the drink offer from somebody else, and I stupidly ask her if she wants to go back to where I'm seeing the show. and she says, "I think I'm just going to mingle with these people here for a bit."

I rejoin Jeff and he asks, "Where's my beer?" and after my non response he quickly adds on, "I knew you weren't going to get a beer.... Hey, nothing ventured nothing gained."

The server comes back around to our area and I stop her saying, "'I'm sorry to complicate things for you but I ordered a Sprite and a beer over there - and I tried to buy a girl a drink but got shot down and didn't feel like waiting over there like a dumbass for my drinks - sorry."

A minute later the server returns saying that my drinks are over there, and they want you to come get them. "Who paid for them?" I asked. I didn't appreciate having to walk back there, I wasn't exactly able to strut over there with any large measure of confidence.

"Stacy" is still where she was, but instead of walking back to her, I stop just short of her - where the 40+ couple was... The man was the one who paid for the drinks according to the server and I immediately told him that I didn't intend for him to by me drinks. He smiled and offered that he liked my shirt (It was a Peter Bjorn and John shirt) and said he and his wife like that band too.

I decide to fess up.
I tell the married couple that I thought them buying "Stacy" that drink was a way to stop me from talking to a single woman. The wife at this point makes a nonverbal nodding of the head in agreement while the husband laughs it off as nonsense (not seeing how his wife is reacting). The man asks for my name, and then tells me instantly forgotten names in return. I can't remember my exact wording to them at this point, but I remember mentioning how I felt like I "had" to go talk to this attractive woman, and didn't believe that she was here alone. He jokes that he put roofies into my Sprite. I kindly return the joking mood and ask him if he's seen The Hangover because of the large role roofies play in that film's plot. The married couple did not see it, but "Stacy" pipes in saying she has seen it - but I'm don't quickly think of a way to use her comment to rebuild a second effort for her affection. Especially with my stamina and inertia lost from my first attempt. Before I turn back I give one last glace to "Stacy" and politely say, "Have fun on the dance floor."

Then I walked back and handed Jeff his beer, telling him it was bought by the cockblocking older couple... Don't ask me why, but I didn't feel bad enough - and bought all three of them another round. The show starts soon, and true to her word Stacy passes by us to her eventual resting place - directly under my line of vision to the stage.

And this is the worst part: she's with these two douchebags that were standing on the opposite side of the married couple. I noticed this pair when I first walked up, but didn't think they were rivals because:
1. they looked like douchebags
2. they looked older than me ("Stacy" is 25 years old TOPS)
3. they looked as if there weren't there to have any fun (not smiling / not talking / just brooding in their own Massengill

These guys did have something over me: arms.
They weren't muscle heads, but they were wearing tight fitting t-shirts and had arms built for pushups, not fifteen foot jumpers.

During the show, I had a good time.
I moved like I enjoyed the music.
Meanwhile, "Stacy" was drunk out of her mind.
She literally fell down once while dancing.
Not a good idea for her to be that close to steps.
The two douchebags just stood, nearly like statues next to "Stacy"
They bought her multiple bottles of beer.
(By the way, the drink I tried to buy her once, and ended up finally buying her was White Wine)

And there she was, drunkly dancing and casually touching that douchebag.
Jeff tells me that I'm not missing much, and should be happy.
But I wanted to be that guy to have his arm around her.

On the walk back to the car, Jeff says, "you're attracted to party girls, aren't you?"
It's tough to abjectly deny this statement.
It's tough to not admit that girls that dress in that way, present themselves out in that fashion, don't have an effect.

On cue two very forty, very drunk, women come stumbling out of the Old Town Art Fair yelling to us. "Peter Bjorn and John! I love PB and J! Hey, don't they sing that song (start whistling the chorus to 'Young Folks')"

Jeff told them they were correct. After they walked past us Jeff made a comment that I could get those two easy. And although I felt like I had been kicked while down, I'm still able to get a smartass comment out, "Sorry Jeff, but I don't have a license to hunt cougars"

Lesson I have learned: Don't watch Hitch on days you can be around attractive women.

1 comment:

  1. Maybe try swithing it up- Stop being nice guy and play the a*hole and see what happens!