Saturday, September 12, 2009

Are you seeing or just talking?

Q: Have you ever known something, but had to have someone else say it to help you realize you know it?
A: Talking is before Seeing, which may not necessarily be 'dating.'

So last night's late night blog post, written from my recliner in a dark living room, yielded the most comments in this humble voyage's history. (3 different people between the Blogger and Facebook feeds! Which is downright laughable for any OTHER blog writer)

Please allow me to respond to these comments:
Before I even arrived to work this morning I saw that my friend tell me, "I don't know who she is, but I think you should ask her out."

What's my friend didn't know, but it's important for readers to know, is that I was in that (cue music) "getting to know you / getting to know more about you" phase with this - let's call her "Target." Everything I was finding out about this Target was great. The more I found out the more I wanted to know... And it was very new into this stage, which made me painfully aware that the Friend Zone was not too far away, but for sure was not yet a current reality.

There was one glaring piece of Target that I didn't know.... And this is going to throw a wrench into the story... I didn't know if she was in a relationship or not... I thought if I asked her point blank it would expose my intentions and make place me at a point of no return... Also, I refused to have any mutual acquaintances find out this information for me. Target, in my opinion, would be too smart to not see the Study Hall aspect of an acquaintance (By the same token I believe her "friends" would sooner rat me out, or at the very least see through to my intentions that I didn't want to share). This was something I wanted to learn naturally through conversation.

And I finally figured it out, through a concept reveled to me from Target that makes a lot of sense to me... A story she was detailing identified someone as, "a guy I was talking to at the time." That opening was not lost on me, asking her for further clarification on "talking."

"Talking" was her serious way of describing the time I (sometimes jokingly) refer to as "courtship." It's at that daybreak moment before an actual date. The guy in this story evidently never progressed past this "talking" stage (an outcome all too familiar with yours truly).

Then the story's other shoe dropped, because Target is actually "dating" a friend of the guy she was "talking" to earlier. And her story involved the "talked" individual asking of the "dating" individual knows that they are "dating." And Target said, "Why wouldn't he?" Thankfully, this allowed me to ask the questions that I wanted answered. All prefaced under the truth of my own experiences of the many (upon further review) platonic dates I have endured. Is he picking you up? (yes) Is he paying for these dates? (yes) I was in agreement and confirmed that the guy she is dating must know he is dating her. With that conclusion I grew a tad sad.

Target then said, "... you can't ask someone if you are on a date during a date - that's so high school..." That made me remember how I thought she'd think someone else asking her if she had a boyfriend would feel like Study Hall... It made me like her more, and of course - hurt inside a litle more as well.

So in the time that has passed since then, I've just been staying still as I tried to put last night. I'm lost and just hope her orbit comes back around. Of course that's not a content feeling. I'm losing sleep because I wonder if I should still tell her how I feel.

Which brings me to the other commentators:
(A GUY WROTE THIS): "
It's an unfortunate game. These girls that people like us would obsess about are busy screwing people that don't give two shits about them. It's all very stupid. They make it sound like they're after some incredible person but they end up getting drunkenly nailed by some ass from a bar because they're trying to enjoy their single life. After hearing about the kind of guys a nice, pretty girl will sleep with, you really have to question their thought process. A lot of girls will reject someone for a long time and once you stop showing interest, will become very interested and even pissed if you have moved on to greener pastures. You'll find someone, and hopefully you won't be too bitter at these types of people when you do.

(A GIRL WROTE THIS): "I hate when people say this, but I am going to say it anyhow...the worse she could say is "no". And although it would be a crushing blow to the ego, you will actually feel better (in the long run) that you took that step and aren't sitting in the dark on the subject anymore. Is she a friend of yours? Are you worried if the answer is no it would ruin a friendship? If that is the case, a good friend will never leave ya! No matter what. In fact she would probably be flattered you asked. I know I would have been if a good friend had asked me out. If she isn't a friend, then what have you go to loose, except the possible ego blow mentioned above, which you would get over. She may say "YES" and then wouldn't that be great!!! Only one way to find out...

In response to the Guy's comment:Thankfully, I'm not this pessimistic. And I think my continued efforts are a testament to that fact. However, I can't deny that I share some bitterness that could agree with some of those points.

In response to the Girl's comment: A very common thought, and very wrong. The worst case scenario only "begins" with a "no."

Permit me to embellish: THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN:
So after I ask her out, and she says no...
She laughs.
She tells her friends.
Especially her single friends.
Oh yeah, that really hot one too.
Guess what, even her friends, the ones in relationships, are told.
Because, they keep hassling her about when she's going to find a boyfriend.
Someone like the douchebags they have found
And now the douchebags know.
Meanwhile I still keep seeing her.
My favorite grocery store no longer becomes an option.
I start second guessing myself.
How could I not have envisioned this?
How could I have been so wrong?
This girl seemed so nice- but then she said no.
And now the douchebags know.

That's just one version of the worst that can happen.
I chose to share a version that doesn't actually include bodily harm.
Sharing that may conflict with my earlier statement that I'm not to bitter.

1 comment:

  1. I'll argue that the Friend Zone is a better place to be when your potential ladyfriend is dating someone than if she's single. If you're friend zoned when she's single, it's over. As in,

    The table set.
    The lasagna is in.
    Why haven't I heard from you?

    If you're friended when homegirl's dating someone, then you may be well-situated for some comparison shopping. It's not exactly pleasant, but there's some daylight. For example, Ladyfriend A begin dating Dunderhead A. You, coincidentally, find yourself having regular conversations with Ladyfriend A in Workplace A's cafeteria. Ladyfriend A cannot date you at the moment because, well, there's that dude on the couch who uses the nom de guerre of Dunderhead A. Ladyfriend A finds herself at one too many Big Ten college bars on Saturday morning with Dunderhead A and his Purdue friends, Dunderheads B-D. Ladyfriend A's mind drifts to you because your lunch hour convos are looking a lot more attractive than three more hours with Dunderhead B as he tips back his third beer before kickoff.

    The key is that she complete her comparison shopping before Dunderhead A receives his magical ex-Boyfriend powers. Otherwise your odds are just as low as when you're friend zoned by a single lady.

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