A: It is not just not knowing your location, it's also not knowing where you are going.
2:35 AM is the time right now.
This subject is something that I have wanted to write for a while.
It has kept me up at night.
Especially tonight.
My old boss at my old job was into The Boy Scouts.
Long after his son had gone to and graduated from college my old boss remained active in the organization. The following is either the only tenent of Boy Scouts I remembered, or respected enough to still know. Lord knows I heard a lot about that gang.
THE FIRST RULE OF NEVER GETTING LOST IS KNOWING WHERE YOU ARE AT ALL TIMES.
Boy Scouts don't get lost from superior map reading or compass operating skills. They aren't supposed to take one step that isn't known where they were and where they're going.
Remembering this ideal has led me to conclude that I am LOST when it comes to women.
I look over all the dates I've been on during these past 3 or 4 years and can truthfully say I never knew where I was with them the entire time. There us nothing that I can think of that can change this. I am incopetent at reading any signs from the opposite sex (as if they were a map). More importantly, any direct information cannot be trusted (no magnetic North to get a compass reading)
Examples:
"cute" is no longer a compliment. I have heard the same girl call the following things "cute" in the same night: a basket full of dinner rolls, a woman over the age of 70, a leached dog, myself, her own purse and a ringtone.
Lies are polite. A woman will look me dead in the eye and convincingly express a desire to see me again. This is the path of least resistance, and least awkward, for these types instead of the truth.
The lines separating assertive and agressive, humility and honesty, sensitive and sissy, debonair and douchebag are diffrent for everybody. Some girls like to be right on the edge of these lines. It
might be the epicenter of the near universal BADBOY appeal glitch in their biology. Sadly, I only discover these lines after they are irreversably crossed.
Girls will always be more coordinated. Their expressed desire to "quit playing games" is bait for guys like me. On a similar note: everything matters to them. The girl who says money or looks aren't important just hasn't been tested yet. Find me the girl who would pick Screech
over Zack Morris if given the choice. And one who won't be more impressed by a large bouquet of flowers than just the card that would have come with it.
To circle back to this poor excuse of an extended metaphor, I don't know what I need to change. The simple response would be that I am in the wrong Forrest. That all the maps in that area are spotty at best. That I need to find a trustwothy woman who is an adult, and that is capable of co-navigating a voyage. One that won't leave me with a busted GPS on the side of an apocolyptic road.
That place, where the good women are, is undeachable. It either fails to exist or I lack the documentation required to travel there. Or worse, I was there already and left empty handed never to return.
This is what I mean by that last comment: Did I screw up in college not leaving with an eventual wife? All those kids that flung engagement Hail Marys, the ones I mocked, must have realized something I did not. Earlier tonight, I played basketball, and I played poorly. Playing basketball is what I ended up doing instead of dating for my college life. Was that a wrong choice?
I also don't know how to interpret the fact that the girls I am most attracted to are the least plausible options (for various reasons I can't elaborate). It can't be as simple as a being a built in reason for preventing me from trying - in a twisted hurt prevention strategy. Because if that was the case, I would have avoided every single one of my past (who knows the number) dates.
I wanted to believe I was an open minded guy.
I wanted to believe that everyone had a chance.
There were times when I thought too much
Of course there were times I wasn't thinking at all.
It's almost one hour later from when I began writing this post. All with one specific person in mind. I have envisioned ten diffrent ways of asking her out. None of them seem natural. Even when I dream of my word choice being perfect, I can't help but antcipate the awkward
avalanche all but assured will ensue.
All I know is that I am here, and she is there. As soon as I approach her I will lose my bearings and become lost.
In my personal understanding of physics, it is unable to stay in the same place on a planet that keeps spinning on it's axis and revolving around the Sun.
My plan is to try to keep spinning without losing my place and hope our orbits intersect.
(final note: I apologize for ranting to this degree. Unless you are one of those people who never have problems falling asleep - you have a charmed existence)
